June 14, 2011

Never Enough

I've realized recently that I am a total jerk.

This past weekend my husband returned from a 9-day mission trip to Haiti. It felt great to have him home, but the fact that I hadn't seen him in a while didn't change the busyness of the week ahead. The weekend ended shortly after it began and I was left thinking "I feel like I never have enough time to spend with Tim." My alarm went off at the crack of dawn Monday morning and as I begrudgingly rolled out of bed to start a new day I thought to myself "I never get enough sleep." The day slithered along, and at night, as I walked up the stairs toward my bedroom, I sighed at the dirty dishes left in the sink and the tufts of dog hair that should have been vacuumed off the landing. Exhausted, I thought "There's never enough time in the day."

"Never enough" has been the anthem of my life for the past few months. Never enough rest. Never enough encouragement. Never enough time spent with loved ones. Never enough sunshine. Never enough rain. Never enough purpose. Never enough free time. Never enough conversation. Never enough quiet. Never enough excitement. Not even enough ice cream in the freezer! I have spent so much time being dissatisfied, longing for more of whatever is in front of me. I have been a complete jerk to the God who is more than enough for me. He gifts me with rest, and peace, and joy, and laughter, and I am so ungrateful sometimes. How could I dare to think that there was an unfortunate distribution error in the heavenly warehouse- that God somehow miscalculated, and I have been accidentally receiving a less-lovely portion of all of His good things? Lamentations 3 says that HE is my portion. HE supplies all of my needs. If I receive any joy or fulfillment from anything in life, it is because he has given it to me. My own lack of gratitude or satisfaction doesn't make his gifts any less good, it only robs me of the joy and fulfillment I could be experiencing, and the praise He could be receiving.

I love this excerpt from "Walden" by Henry David Thoreau. A life of solitude in the woods isn't necessarily my thing, but I think he's got the right idea:

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived...I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life..."

There is no good thing in life that doesn't last long enough to be enjoyed. So I'm going to soak it up- marrow and all- and give credit to the One who is more than enough.

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